Breathing a looooong “SIGH” at the mess I had created, I started to reach for the fallen items when my eye was caught by a shy, lopsided smile, still on the top closet shelf. I reached up and pulled down what had to be one of the raggediest old teddy bears on the planet. “Oh, look!”, I whispered to myself, “it’s Big Teddy!”
Big Teddy was a huge teddy bear given to Jesse by his Mamaw when he was born. Because it was so big, it sat on the shelf in Jesse’s room for almost two years, because it was just too big for a baby to play with. Then, when Jesse was around 18 to 24 months old, he pulled the bear off the shelf and said, “Mama, I play with Big Teddy?” I nodded with a smile, and from that moment on, Jesse and Big Teddy were inseparable. Jesse hauled that bear around with him everywhere. He started out holding him by his bright red bow-tie, but eventually, the bow-tie was tugged on so much that the stitching gave way and it fell off. That’s when Jesse started dragging him by the ear.
Jesse never went anywhere without Big Teddy. That bear sat at the kitchen table while we ate, had his own special place beside Jesse’s car seat, and was always tucked in with Jesse’s sweet little arm encircling his neck. Even when we went to church, Big Teddy had to go too and wait in the car for us until the service was over. On Halloween, Jesse was a going to be a scarecrow. I was busily making his costume when Jesse came in, pulling Big Teddy by the ear, and said, “Big Teddy be a scarecrow, too?” So, of course, Big Teddy got a scarecrow costume as well. Once, following a visit with Grandmom and Granddad in AL, we were about halfway home when we discovered to our dismay, that Big Teddy was still at Grandmom’s house! Nothing would do but to go back and get him. So that is what we did.
Jesse was so attached to Big Teddy that I worried about what would happen if Big Teddy got lost or worn out beyond repair. I was working at the Flea Market then, and one day, found an exact replica of Big Teddy. I thought, “This is great! If anything happens to Big Teddy, I will just replace him with this bear!” A spare bear! What a great idea! Well, it would have been a great idea, if Jesse wasn’t so observant. About a week or so later, I had snuck Big Teddy into the wash. Jesse, of course, came looking for him. I handed him the spare bear and said, “Here’s Big Teddy, Sweetheart!” Jesse took the bear, hugged him a little bit, smelled him and said, “No, Mommy…I want MY Big Teddy!” So much for the replacement idea. So, we named the new bear “Big Freddy” and put him on the toy shelf. Jesse never played with him.
I don’t remember just when Jesse decided that he didn’t need Big Teddy so much anymore. I think it was just a gradual letting-go kind of thing. Anyway, one day when I was straightening Jesse’s room, I came across Big Teddy crammed in the toy box. He was a sad-looking bear, that’s for sure. His fur was patchy and half of his smile was gone. Under his chin, where his red bow-tie used to be, only a few red threads remained. He even had a big bald spot in the back of his head, where Jesse had stood him too close to the fireplace when he didn’t want Big Teddy to get too cold. I couldn’t bring myself to throw him away, so I washed him, smoothed his fur, gave him a big hug and moved him to the top of my closet. And that’s where he has lived ever since. The closet avalanche unearthed him and brought back those sweet memories. I hugged Big Teddy one more time, and put him back on the shelf.
As I came into my bedroom, my eyes fell on another raggedy old teddy bear, this one on my own bed. Like Big Teddy, this bear is in rough shape. And also like Big Teddy, he holds precious memories. His name is Lancelot.
Lancelot started off as a noble-looking bear, tan with brown ears and paws, in a gift shop at Walt Disney World, in Orlando, Florida. He and his stalwart companion, Sir Didymus, were adopted by my Sweet Pea, (my niece, Michaelann) when she and her husband were there on their honeymoon. Michaelann has always loved stuffed animals, and these two were wonderful additions to her collection.
The story of how Lancelot came to be on my bed is very precious. He arrived at my house the day after my husband, Ken, died. My Sweet Pea brought him in and said, “Aunt Sammi, this is Lancelot. I have spent all night long hugging him. I am going to leave him here so that whenever you need a hug, he will have one for you.” Sweet beyond words.
I started hugging Lancelot that very night, and now, almost seven years later, I am still hugging him every night. I tried once to give him back to Michaelann, but I just couldn’t turn him loose. He has been and continues to be a comforting presence in my sadness. Just as Big Teddy went with us everywhere all those years ago, so Lancelot goes with me now. His fur is patchy, half of his smile is gone, and one of his eyes is scuffed up so that he looks like he has a cataract. And I have absolutely hugged the stuffing out of him – literally! I have hugged him so much that now his middle is hollow. I keep saying that I will put some more stuffing in him, but I can’t bring myself to slit the seam open.
It is strange how bundles of fur, stuffing and thread can bring such comfort. But I know that both of our raggedy teddy bears are always there when I need a hug. And that is a good feeling.
