It has started working on me earlier this year for some reason and I don't know just why. It is that sideways feeling I always get when October rolls around. Yes, I know that September just started... like I said, it has started earlier this year.
I guess I should explain what it is about October that gets me all sideways. I used to LOOOOVE October. It was my very favorite month and my favorite time of year. When I was a little girl, I guess it was because of the fact that my birthday is in October. But it was more than that. I just loved the coolness in the air, the leaves changing colors, pumpkins, scarecrows... just the whole October atmosphere.
Later on, October got even better when Ken and I chose that month to get married. I remember the day of our wedding (October 14, 1989) was one of those beautiful fall days where the sky is just a deep, crystal clear blue. God smiled on us by giving us that beautiful day.
Many years later, on another beautiful fall day (October 6, 2002), Ken and I found ourselves speechless and sucker-punched in the office of a surgical oncologist, who told us compassionately, yet firmly, that Ken was going to die. I can only describe the feelings from that day as a storm.
Fear... shock... disbelief... anger... hurt... denial all tumbled over and over each other, creating this swirling sensation like a tornado, with Ken and I clinging to each other is the middle, too scared and uncertain to know what to do. The weather I had rejoiced in earlier now became a point of consternation. How DARE it be such a beautiful day when my sweet husband and I had just been told the worst news in our lives?
So now, instead of looking forward to October, I face it with a dread that just won't stop. I try not to think about it. I don't dwell on it. But it is almost a subconscious thing that creeps up on me when I least expect it. It often manifests itself physically. All of a sudden I'm more tired than usual, headaches crop up for no reason, I don't sleep soundly, and I find myself walking around grinding my teeth. It generally sets in around mid-September and pesters me for a couple of weeks before I realize what's going on. Then I "SIGH" my way through October and November (that's when Ken died).
Every year, I think it will get better. I don't talk about it much to people, because most of them don't want to hear that after all this time, I still miss Ken. In the beginning, people didn't want me to talk about it because they were uncomfortable with my grief. Now, I feel like people just think it's been long enough that it shouldn't bother me anymore. And maybe it has... but that doesn't stop those same feelings from swirling around again.
Since I don't think anyone except me reads my blog anymore, I guess it's okay to say it here...
I miss my husband, and October makes me sad... STILL.
