In about two hours and fifteen minutes, 2011 will become history and a new year will begin. Someone once told me that whatever you are doing when New Year's Eve becomes New Year's Day, that is what you will spend most of the new year doing. When Ken was alive, I always tried to make sure we would be kissing/cuddling at that moment. Since he died, I have usually spent that moment crying and wishing that things were different. Last year, I think my first Facebook status of 2011 said something like... "hopes this is the year that I can stop wishing things had turned out differently". Well, I can't honestly say that hope came true... at least not completely. But I can say that I really think it was better.
I stopped making "resolutions" years ago because I always felt so sad and disappointed when I inevitably broke them. So now, instead of making resolutions, I just have things I would like to do better on, and things I would like to not do so much. Baby steps, I guess, toward a bigger goal somewhere down the road.
So now, as 2011 is in its waning hours, I guess I can reflect on my progress from this time last year:
I wanted to read more, and MAN, have I ever!! I think I have read almost 100 books since we cut off the TV programming early in the year. And let me just say, that my Kindle is the greatest invention since JIF peanut butter! I had gotten out of the habit of reading while Ken was alive. It was weird... I could be doing anything else and Ken wasn't bothered by it. But if I had a book in my hands, it drove him NUTS! Said I was "ignoring him". I didn't understand it, but it was what it was. So I stopped reading much. I didn't realize how much I had missed it.
I wanted to read God's Word more. This, I was successful at. I chose a reading plan at the beginning of the year and with the exception of a day here or there, I finished reading the Bible all the way through again. This time, in the ESV. I hope to read a different version in 2012, and I would really like to try memorizing more Scripture. I don't know how that's going to work, though. Ever since I hit my head on the car, I tend to have short term memory problems at times. Oh well, I can try and I will ask God to help me remember as I "hide His Word in my heart".
I wanted to be more active. I have begun to move more these days. I bought a recumbent bike in July and except for the month of December, have pedaled some every day. I hope I can get back on schedule and continue to build up my endurance.
I wanted to keep a better rein on my blood sugar. This one, I did NOT do. I am hoping that I can do better at it in 2012. It is just so hard when all the things I love best are either pure sugar or starch that turns to sugar. I will keep trying.
I wanted to get out of the house more. I think I did pretty well on this one. I still stay home a lot, but God has blessed me with friends and new opportunities to "join in" with small groups where I am comfortable and accepted. I hope to continue this in the new year and maybe even increase my outside activities.
I wanted to start telling people how I felt when something affected me strongly. All my life, as far back as I can remember, I have always stuffed my feelings way down deep inside of myself. I would torture myself by replaying hurtful incidents over and over in my mind. Made myself so despondent when the person or people who had hurt my feelings in the first place, usually didn't even remember doing it. Well... this one I have done several times. And you know what I found out? People who are used to you taking their barbs quietly get kind of sideways when you tell them what you think. In fact, some of them get plain old MAD! But, there is such a wondrous freedom in saying what you feel and then letting it go. I believe that this is a trend I will continue. I am not out to intentionally hurt anyone's feelings or be hurtful just to be mean. I just want to bring to light that I have feelings too and if someone hurts them, I will be letting them know.
I wanted to write more. This one I wasn't so successful at. During late 2009 and all through 2010, I poured my heart and soul into the blog/book about Ken's illness and how he had to leave us. It was a tremendous relief to finally get all of that set down on paper (or computer, as the case may be). I don't know if I was just exhausted or what, but I didn't write anything more until this year. I decided to continue the blog, but I haven't been nearly as good at keeping it going as I had in the past. I would like to change that this year. So, I guess that is why I am here now... blogging out the old and blogging in the new. Hope to be here more often in 2012.
Happy New Year!
