It is that time of year again…
time to deck the halls and trim the tree.
As yet, my halls remain decidedly undecked, my tree is still in its box,
and I am battling a great big ball of HUMBUG!!
I have been listening to Christmas music all day, trying to get myself
into the spirit, but so far… not. Our
church is having an all-day Christmas activity Saturday and I am supposed to be
a part of it. I will be there, as I
promised I would, but I wonder how effective I can be in my present frame of
mind. I’m talking to God about it and
really trying to listen for His voice.
I guess much of the humbug comes
from the changes that have happened in my life this year. My daddy died in May and I miss him so very
much. I hate that he’s not here anymore. I feel like a little kid, wondering how I’m
supposed to survive without my Daddy. I
guess now I know how Jesse and Benjamin have felt since Ken died. It makes me incredibly sad for them. The missing Daddy feelings have stirred up the
missing Ken feelings again too. This
year has been much worse than the past several.
What I wouldn’t give to feel his arms around me again or my hand in his
and to hear him call me his darlin’ or his angel. Those are all little things in the world’s
grand scheme, but they are the things I miss the most. Then there are my sons. Jesse has moved into his own place. I am very happy for him and proud to see him
doing as well as he is, but I miss him.
Benjamin turned 18 last week and is chomping at the bit to graduate and
leave my house. He will be entering the
Army, so I am sure they will be sending him somewhere far away. I don’t like to think about my nest being
empty. I know that they are only doing
what Ken and I tried to teach them to do, but it makes me so lonely. And what am I supposed to do with my great
big house when they leave? It is a lot of
empty space for just me and the dog.
Now before the chorus of “you are
only feeling sorry for yourself” starts… I KNOW IT!!! Not trying to garner sympathy, just trying to
work through some difficult feelings. I
also know how incredibly blessed I am and I truly thank God for my blessings
each and every day. But sometimes, the
feelings of loss just overwhelm me. I am
comforted in the arms of the Holy Spirit, but the craving for the comfort of
human arms remains.
So, I must focus on the
baby. The one whose birth this season is
supposed to celebrate. The one who is
the most important Christmas gift anyone ever gave or received. The image of His tiny, precious face is
enough to dispel the humbug. Thank you,
God for loving me enough to send Jesus, even when I am a whiney, lonely mess. Thank you that I am covered under His
precious blood. Help me to be worthy of
Your tremendous sacrifice. Replace the
humbug in my heart with the comfort of Your Holy Spirit and let that Spirit
shine out of my heart so other people will see Your face through me. Amen.
