"Hollow-Eyed Look"

The first time I noticed the “hollow-eyed look” on Ken’s face again, I was sure I had imagined it. It was during Easter drama rehearsal and the lighting was all different, so I attributed the shadows to that. I put it out of my mind until a couple of days later, when I noticed it again, while we were at home. I asked Ken if he was feeling okay that day. He said, “Yes”, but the “hollow-eyed look” was definitely there. I didn’t want to end up in full-scale panic mode, but I was definitely concerned.



I started watching Ken more closely than I had in the past few months, trying to see if any old symptoms returned or any new symptoms developed. For the most part, it was only the “hollow-eyed look”. I kept attributing it to him being overly tired, but I was really worried. I remember on Easter Sunday, we went to Mama & Daddy’s house like we always did. I was in the kitchen and Ken was sitting on the couch in the living room. I called Mama over and said, “Mama, look at Ken’s face. He’s sick again, isn’t he?” I don’t recall if she agreed with me, but I think she said that he looked tired. In truth, I didn’t need her to agree with me. Deep in the pit of my soul I knew the cancer was back. I guess I just needed to say it out loud so that I could begin to deal with it.

Ken kept assuring me that he was fine. He had just been working too hard on his rental properties and was tired. I would nod my head at him and go scream into my pillow. Then one day, Ken began to limp. Just a slight limp at first, hardly noticeable. I didn’t want to pester him about it, so I let it go for about a week. The limp was getting progressively more pronounced. Trying for an air of nonchalance, I said, “Baby, why are you limping?” Ken replied, “Well, my back has been hurting. I’m having a hard time putting weight on my left leg.” (Room starts swirling, but I’m still trying to be calm.) “How long has it been hurting?” I asked. “Quite a while,” he admitted, “been getting worse and worse”. (Trying to take looong, slow breaths now, so as not to hyperventilate.) “Don’t you think it would be a good idea if I called the Dr. and got you an appointment in the next couple of days?” I asked, never expecting him to agree. “Yeah”, he said, “probably wouldn’t be a bad idea.” Then we just kind of looked at each other in silence for a little bit. I think what wasn’t spoken between us that day screamed way louder than what we actually did say. I called Dr. Schlabach’s office and they told us to come in the next week. Here we go again...