Ken was getting weaker. I knew it and he knew it. The chemo treatments were much shorter this time, but just as destructive to his body and spirit. Within two weeks, the exhaustion set in and his hair started coming out in clumps. During this round of chemo, even some of his fingernails and toenails began to darken. The Dr. told us that Ken would likely lose the nails that turned dark. Fingernails/toenails and hair are made from the same type of protein, so if the chemo can make the hair fall out, it can make the nails fall out too.
As usual, Ken wouldn’t take any pain or anxiety meds, so he was hurting and upset most of the time. Such a disheartening time for us. This time, though, there was one big difference. This time, Ken started telling me what needed to be done before he left and what I should do after he was gone. We tried to remain hopeful that the chemotherapy would help, but it was obvious that Ken’s body was breaking down, little by little, bit by bit. So much pain....such despair.
I don’t remember the exact conversation with Jesse and Benjamin when we told them Ken’s cancer was back. But I do remember the day that it “hit” Jesse that his Dad would not be recovering this time. We were in the car, either on the way to school or home from school and I was telling him about the various appointments we had that week. It was kind of like a “lightbulb moment”, because Jesse stopped me in mid-sentence and said, “Mom, is Dad getting worse? Is that why y’all have had so many more appointments lately?” With my heart in my throat and tears streaming down my face, I looked into the precious eyes of my 13-year-old son and said, “It doesn’t look like your Dad will get better this time.” Jesse just looked at me with the saddest face and nodded his head. “I thought so”, he whispered.
The stuff that comes next is all pretty heartbreaking and is very hard to bring back up to the surface. My journals from that time say things pretty much the way I want it said. For that reason, much of the content for the next pages will contain large portions quoted directly from my journals.
Laughter Through Tears
Before Ken got so weak that he couldn’t go places, we were able to make a few really good memories...
David Carlock, a sweet man from our church, gave us free passes to Lake Winnepesaukah, which is an amusement park in Ft. Oglethorpe.
Now, you must understand – “Lake Winnie” holds a very special place in my heart. Ken and I went on our first “date” to a concert there. And a couple of months after that, Ken Lunsford kissed Melinda Kendrick for the very first time!!! It was the 4th of July and we were there to watch the fireworks. And I guess you could say that we made some fireworks of our own that night. Anywhooo... Mr. Carlock brought us the free passes and we decided to take the boys. We had to take it slow and easy so Ken wouldn’t tire out too easily, which was no easy feat with a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old. But even in their excitement, Jesse and Benjamin realized that their Dad was weak and toned it down as much as they could.
Ken and the boys rode almost all of the rides together. Knowing my tendency towards motion sickness, I mostly kept my feet on the ground and took pictures of my guys as they flew past. I did ride the carousel a time or two and the train once. We stayed until early afternoon. Though I knew Ken was hurting, he was having such a good time with his boys, that I didn’t mention going home until he began to stagger some. Watching them all together having so much fun brought tears to my eyes – and still does when I remember that day. I got the best picture of the three of them that day. They were riding the antique cars (Benjamin was “driving”). When they came around the last time, they all looked up at me and smiled just as I snapped the picture. It was as if God Himself framed the picture and gave us a perfect memory. I guess He did.
Another day, we went on a train trip. Ken had always wanted to take a long train trip, the kind where you sleep on the train. We didn’t get to do that, but right after the Lake Winnie trip, I saw a two-hour trip advertised in the local paper. The train (pulled by a steam locomotive, no less) would leave from Chattanooga and travel to the airport in LaFayette, GA. (Who would have guessed that LaFayette had an airport?!) Anyway, once at the LaFayette airport, we could watch the air show they were having. They had all kinds of private planes doing stunts and stuff like that.
I think the neatest thing about the train trip was that the train car we rode in had been used in the movie “Some Like it Hot”. We had our own little compartment where the seats faced each other on either side of a huge picture window. We got to eat our lunch in the dining car too. It was lots of fun. Ken was a lot weaker on this trip than he had been at Lake Winnie, but luckily, most of the trip was sitting down, so that helped. Being out in the sun at the air show really took a lot out of Ken, so we had to find a place in the shade and sit until the train was ready to go back to Chattanooga. Ken did, though, get to ride a helicopter while we were at the air show. It is something he had always wanted to do. He would have liked for me to have ridden with him, but since I am afraid of both heights and closed-in spaces, I didn’t really think it would be a good idea. So, I stayed on the ground and smiled and waved at him when he went over. I’m glad he got to take that ride.
On the way home that evening, I took the last picture we have of Ken before he died. He was smiling and looking at me with those precious blue eyes that I loved so much. It is a precious picture and a precious memory.
David Carlock, a sweet man from our church, gave us free passes to Lake Winnepesaukah, which is an amusement park in Ft. Oglethorpe.
Now, you must understand – “Lake Winnie” holds a very special place in my heart. Ken and I went on our first “date” to a concert there. And a couple of months after that, Ken Lunsford kissed Melinda Kendrick for the very first time!!! It was the 4th of July and we were there to watch the fireworks. And I guess you could say that we made some fireworks of our own that night. Anywhooo... Mr. Carlock brought us the free passes and we decided to take the boys. We had to take it slow and easy so Ken wouldn’t tire out too easily, which was no easy feat with a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old. But even in their excitement, Jesse and Benjamin realized that their Dad was weak and toned it down as much as they could.
Ken and the boys rode almost all of the rides together. Knowing my tendency towards motion sickness, I mostly kept my feet on the ground and took pictures of my guys as they flew past. I did ride the carousel a time or two and the train once. We stayed until early afternoon. Though I knew Ken was hurting, he was having such a good time with his boys, that I didn’t mention going home until he began to stagger some. Watching them all together having so much fun brought tears to my eyes – and still does when I remember that day. I got the best picture of the three of them that day. They were riding the antique cars (Benjamin was “driving”). When they came around the last time, they all looked up at me and smiled just as I snapped the picture. It was as if God Himself framed the picture and gave us a perfect memory. I guess He did.
Another day, we went on a train trip. Ken had always wanted to take a long train trip, the kind where you sleep on the train. We didn’t get to do that, but right after the Lake Winnie trip, I saw a two-hour trip advertised in the local paper. The train (pulled by a steam locomotive, no less) would leave from Chattanooga and travel to the airport in LaFayette, GA. (Who would have guessed that LaFayette had an airport?!) Anyway, once at the LaFayette airport, we could watch the air show they were having. They had all kinds of private planes doing stunts and stuff like that.
I think the neatest thing about the train trip was that the train car we rode in had been used in the movie “Some Like it Hot”. We had our own little compartment where the seats faced each other on either side of a huge picture window. We got to eat our lunch in the dining car too. It was lots of fun. Ken was a lot weaker on this trip than he had been at Lake Winnie, but luckily, most of the trip was sitting down, so that helped. Being out in the sun at the air show really took a lot out of Ken, so we had to find a place in the shade and sit until the train was ready to go back to Chattanooga. Ken did, though, get to ride a helicopter while we were at the air show. It is something he had always wanted to do. He would have liked for me to have ridden with him, but since I am afraid of both heights and closed-in spaces, I didn’t really think it would be a good idea. So, I stayed on the ground and smiled and waved at him when he went over. I’m glad he got to take that ride.
On the way home that evening, I took the last picture we have of Ken before he died. He was smiling and looking at me with those precious blue eyes that I loved so much. It is a precious picture and a precious memory.
Holy Cow! What a night!
The shingles lasted about two weeks or so. The rash itself wasn’t a problem. But since shingles is an inflammation of the nerve endings, it was quite painful. But by that time, Ken was having so many pains in so many other places, it was just one more thing to contend with. The doctor prescribed Neurontin, which is actually an anti-seizure drug usually given to people with epilepsy. He said, though, that it calmed the nerve endings, and thus, would help alleviate that part of Ken’s pain.
Ken had only taken one or two doses of the Neurontin when he started acting weird. First, he was just extremely argumentative (“pissy”, for lack of a better word). Nothing seemed to suit him. He snapped at the boys while they were playing and I could not say a word to him without him hurling back something hurtful. As the evening went on, Ken’s agitation grew. He kept getting louder and louder and yelling things that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. I finally got the boys to bed and started to hook Ken up to “Bill” for the night, hoping he would finally settle down. Well, NO SUCH LUCK! He griped at me the whole time I was getting the stuff ready for the tube-feeding. I knew how much he was hurting, so I was trying to let it go. I apologized to him for the things he said I did–or did not do– and tried to keep him calm. When I went to take my bath, he followed me in, dragging “Bill” along with him, and stood there the whole time I was in the tub, HOLLERING at me!
By this time, I’m kind of figuring out that his behavior, at least for the most part, must be due to some of his meds. Since the Neurontin was the only thing he hadn’t taken before, I figured it must be the culprit. I tried to explain it to Ken, but he was still following me around the house, dragging that feeding pump behind him, yelling as he went. I was really afraid he would wake up the boys, so I tried to get him into the living room so he could sit and “chill”. He was in such a frenzied state I was truly afraid he would rip out his feeding tube and take off out the door. I could see in his eyes that he was absolutely exhausted, but he just couldn’t stop hollering.
I begged him to sit down with me and watch a movie I had just gotten. He was still very agitated, but finally agreed. Ken laid his head in my lap and, almost immediately, fell asleep. But it was a fitful sleep, still agitated and restless. If I shifted in my seat or moved the least little bit, Ken would grab hold of me and mumble stuff under his breath. I was so afraid that he would wake up and start ranting again, that I sat stock still all the way through the movie and well after. I barely even breathed, so as not to disturb him. We sat that way until about 3:00 a.m. That's when Ken stirred a little bit, then looked up at me with those sweet blue eyes and said, “Well, hey, Darlin’. What are you doing still up?” Then he went right back to sleep, peacefully, this time. I was finally able to ease off the couch, cover him up and go to bed for a couple of hours.
Next morning, Ken woke up smiling and had very little memory of the previous night’s events. First thing I did when I got up was to flush the rest of the Neurontin prescription down the toilet. Geeze, Louise... didn’t we have enough to worry about without meds that made Ken CRAZY?!!
Ken had only taken one or two doses of the Neurontin when he started acting weird. First, he was just extremely argumentative (“pissy”, for lack of a better word). Nothing seemed to suit him. He snapped at the boys while they were playing and I could not say a word to him without him hurling back something hurtful. As the evening went on, Ken’s agitation grew. He kept getting louder and louder and yelling things that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. I finally got the boys to bed and started to hook Ken up to “Bill” for the night, hoping he would finally settle down. Well, NO SUCH LUCK! He griped at me the whole time I was getting the stuff ready for the tube-feeding. I knew how much he was hurting, so I was trying to let it go. I apologized to him for the things he said I did–or did not do– and tried to keep him calm. When I went to take my bath, he followed me in, dragging “Bill” along with him, and stood there the whole time I was in the tub, HOLLERING at me!
By this time, I’m kind of figuring out that his behavior, at least for the most part, must be due to some of his meds. Since the Neurontin was the only thing he hadn’t taken before, I figured it must be the culprit. I tried to explain it to Ken, but he was still following me around the house, dragging that feeding pump behind him, yelling as he went. I was really afraid he would wake up the boys, so I tried to get him into the living room so he could sit and “chill”. He was in such a frenzied state I was truly afraid he would rip out his feeding tube and take off out the door. I could see in his eyes that he was absolutely exhausted, but he just couldn’t stop hollering.
I begged him to sit down with me and watch a movie I had just gotten. He was still very agitated, but finally agreed. Ken laid his head in my lap and, almost immediately, fell asleep. But it was a fitful sleep, still agitated and restless. If I shifted in my seat or moved the least little bit, Ken would grab hold of me and mumble stuff under his breath. I was so afraid that he would wake up and start ranting again, that I sat stock still all the way through the movie and well after. I barely even breathed, so as not to disturb him. We sat that way until about 3:00 a.m. That's when Ken stirred a little bit, then looked up at me with those sweet blue eyes and said, “Well, hey, Darlin’. What are you doing still up?” Then he went right back to sleep, peacefully, this time. I was finally able to ease off the couch, cover him up and go to bed for a couple of hours.
Next morning, Ken woke up smiling and had very little memory of the previous night’s events. First thing I did when I got up was to flush the rest of the Neurontin prescription down the toilet. Geeze, Louise... didn’t we have enough to worry about without meds that made Ken CRAZY?!!
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