Too Sad for a Title

Ken was getting weaker. I knew it and he knew it. The chemo treatments were much shorter this time, but just as destructive to his body and spirit. Within two weeks, the exhaustion set in and his hair started coming out in clumps. During this round of chemo, even some of his fingernails and toenails began to darken. The Dr. told us that Ken would likely lose the nails that turned dark. Fingernails/toenails and hair are made from the same type of protein, so if the chemo can make the hair fall out, it can make the nails fall out too.

As usual, Ken wouldn’t take any pain or anxiety meds, so he was hurting and upset most of the time. Such a disheartening time for us. This time, though, there was one big difference. This time, Ken started telling me what needed to be done before he left and what I should do after he was gone. We tried to remain hopeful that the chemotherapy would help, but it was obvious that Ken’s body was breaking down, little by little, bit by bit. So much pain....such despair.

I don’t remember the exact conversation with Jesse and Benjamin when we told them Ken’s cancer was back. But I do remember the day that it “hit” Jesse that his Dad would not be recovering this time. We were in the car, either on the way to school or home from school and I was telling him about the various appointments we had that week. It was kind of like a “lightbulb moment”, because Jesse stopped me in mid-sentence and said, “Mom, is Dad getting worse? Is that why y’all have had so many more appointments lately?” With my heart in my throat and tears streaming down my face, I looked into the precious eyes of my 13-year-old son and said, “It doesn’t look like your Dad will get better this time.” Jesse just looked at me with the saddest face and nodded his head. “I thought so”, he whispered.


The stuff that comes next is all pretty heartbreaking and is very hard to bring back up to the surface. My journals from that time say things pretty much the way I want it said. For that reason, much of the content for the next pages will contain large portions quoted directly from my journals.