The hospital bed was in our bedroom, at the foot of our bed. When we put the hospital bed back in, I had to push all of the regular bedroom furniture around so Ken would have a path from his bed to the bathroom and to the living room if he felt like getting up. It was a tight squeeze – especially when he was hooked up to “Bill” (which was most of the time, now). I guess that was another reason he didn’t try to move around much. It was pretty difficult to navigate around all of his medical equipment. One night, as a matter of fact, I got up in the middle of the night to empty Ken’s urinal and I kicked the wheel of his walker and broke my toe. One more thing...
During this time, Ken couldn’t stand to have me out of his sight for even a minute. He was so afraid that he would need something and I wouldn’t hear him call for me. I was always close enough that I could hear him, but he was scared, so I spent most of my daylight hours sitting in a chair in the bedroom. I guess the boys were riding the school buses to and from school...I surely don’t remember leaving Ken to go and get them, and I know that no one picked them up for me or came and stayed with Ken so I could go. Anyway, I would sit in the bedroom all day unless he dropped off to sleep. Then I would dash downstairs to do a load of wash, or run out to the mailbox, and pray that Ken didn’t wake up before I got back. I really did not mind sitting in the room with him so he wouldn’t be scared, but all he wanted me to do was “sit”. He didn’t want me to watch TV or read a book or talk on the phone. And some days, he would gripe and growl orders at me in rapid-fire succession and them complain that I wasn’t doing them fast enough. His voice would take on a purely hateful tone that was so out of character for Ken. I know he was frustrated, worried, scared and hurting, but SO WAS I – and exhausted besides. I don’t remember sleeping during those days. I do remember jumping up every few minutes or so to take care of something Ken wanted or needed. I don’t remember taking care of Jesse and Benjamin much...poor kids. I wasn’t the best Mom right then.
Restless night for Ken last night. Not much sleep for either of us. I gave him a shower this afternoon and he stayed up most all afternoon, so maybe he’ll sleep tonight. So far, NOT! He’s still restless and hurting. Just took some Lortab – maybe it will kick in soon. He wants me in the room with him, but he doesn’t want me to watch TV or read. Won’t let me go in the other room because he’s afraid I won’t hear him if he needs something. He doesn’t go lacking for what he needs or wants, but he acts like I’m ignoring him. Only seems to ask for things when I’m busy doing fourteen other things. If I don’t drop what I’m doing and do what he wants (even if what I’m doing is something he asked for earlier), he gets all in a snit. He is running me CRAZY! Feels like I’m chasing myself around in circles. (Melinda’s Journal, November 2, 2004)
Ken seemed a little less demanding today. Could be he was just worn out. I hope he can rest tonight. (Melinda’s Journal, November 3, 2004)
Ken has seemed a little more relaxed today. Hasn’t had to have me in sight every minute. His sister brought us some walkie-talkies. As soon as they’re charged, I’ll be able to move around the house more freely. He’ll be sure I can hear him if he needs me. (Melinda’s Journal, November 4, 2004)
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