Siblings

So, I am trying to figure out what it is in me that causes both of my siblings to not like me. I mean, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me if the people who should be my fiercest defenders and cheerleaders are falling over themselves to get away from me.

As far back as I can remember, there was never a time in my life when I felt like my sister liked me. She always treated me with such an air of disdain and I was totally beneath her interest. In elementary school, she was in a modeling club. The sponsor decided that it would be fun to have a Big Sister/Little Sister fashion show. When asked which girls had younger sisters, my sister did not raise her hand. I was only included when her friends told the sponsor I existed. I practiced the walk and turns with my friends for weeks because I did not want to embarrass my sister. But on the day of the show, her disgust at having to be seen with me was so strong, that I got flustered and just ended up sort of wandering around the stage. When I started high school, she told me flat that I was not to let anyone know that we were related and if we passed in the hallways, I was to pretend like I didn't know her.

Now that we are grown, we have this uneasy truce between us, mainly for the benefit of our parents. She still treats me with disdain, and honestly believes that whatever animosity lies between us is all something I have made up. But I guess it makes sense that she would see it that way. Most people do not remember the hurtful things they say and do to people they don't care about.

Now, my brother, who I thought loved me and thought I had a good relationship with, has decided that I am responsible for his life turning out crappy and for the failure of his marriage. He has decided that he needs to "stand up on his own two feet and be a man". I am all for that, but evidently, in his case, "being a man" means breaking the hearts of people who have loved and supported him his entire life.

I have always tried to be available and supportive for both of my siblings. And every time they called on me, (usually for my time or my money... my advice and counsel was not wanted or appreciated), I tried to do whatever i could to help. But when the single-most devastating event in my life was happening, when I was having to watch my husband die, support from my siblings was non-existent. When they would see me at our parents' house, they would say the cliche' words everyone says in such situations that are meant to be of comfort, but are mostly hollow. But that was as far as it went. I know that they were busy with their own lives, but I don't remember a single time that my sister ever called during that time and I can count on one hand the times that my brother called. And now, if I talk about that time, I am accused of being selfish and trying to make everything "all about me".

So, now I sit, trying in earnest to determine why it is this way. I have begged God to reveal to me what it is in me that makes me so unlovable in the eyes of my siblings. So far, God has been silent on the subject.

This is not written in an attempt to gain sympathy. It is written because it is fact. it is something I have needed to say out loud for a long time.