First off, I guess I should apologize about the title of this post. It is not a word I would ordinarily use, and when I hear my sons say it, I usually tell them to choose a more appropriate word. But sometimes, in some situations, I guess it is the only word that will do. Secondly, if you or a loved one is now or has ever gone through a cancer battle, you may not want to read this post. It won’t be one of those gentle, supportive, encouraging posts, and I want to warn y’all, because I do NOT want to hurt anyone’s feelings. This post is born out of the anger, frustration and absolute helplessness that always gets stirred back up for me whenever I hear that another person I care about has been diagnosed with cancer.
For the record… I HATE CANCER!!! Cancer is STUPID!!! Cancer does NOT play fair!!! Cancer is a hideous, horrible, mean disease that robs people first, of their health and then, of their dignity. What other disease makes doctors want to carve huge chunks out of a person’s body and then poison what is left? The treatments, while they may well destroy the cancer cells, unfortunately kill/damage/maim other cells in the body too. A body that has been through any type of cancer treatment is never the same as it was before the cancer appeared. People don’t even want to say the word “cancer”. They use words like, “malignancy”, “mass”, “suspicious tissue”, all in an attempt to not have to speak that dreaded, monstrous word. Some even go so far as to make up cute little euphemisms, like “the Big C”. Make no mistake… there is nothing cute about cancer.
I know that many people tend to ask, “why?”, and/or blame God when cancer is diagnosed. Those are two things that I never really did. I didn’t ask why once I realized that there wasn’t one single answer that would make me say, “okay, that’s a good enough reason… go ahead and let my loved one suffer mercilessly”. And God did not wake up one morning and “decide” to give Ken cancer. Ken got cancer because we live in a fallen world. When God created this world, He intended that we humans would obey His laws and live in perfect health and peace in His presence FOREVER. Illness and death are direct results of man’s sin, plain and simple.
The issue that I struggle with is who God allows to be affected by cancer. Our world is in such a sad, pitiful, sinful state. We NEED good people here on earth. Good men and women who love God and demonstrate that love by loving, leading, helping and encouraging others. Precious souls who sing God’s praises with joyful spirits. These people should not be allowed to suffer and possibly die from such dreadful, horrible diseases. Why is it that good people are allowed to go through such devastation when a crazy man who turned a rag-tag group of disillusioned, needy young people into cold-blooded killers gets to live for years and years (albeit in prison) in presumably good health? Or people who live to strike terror in the hearts of others by committing heinous acts of murder and mayhem against innocent people escape punishment, living in luxury and palaces for year and years? What kind of sense does that make? It doesn’t. AND THAT MAKES ME MAD!!!!!!
So sometimes I get all sideways with God. I shake my fist and pound my tear-stained pillows because I don’t understand. My frustration at times borders on blasphemy when I presume to try and tell God that whatever purpose He is trying to accomplish could surely be achieved in some other, less painful way. And then, quietly, in the midst of my anger and frustration fueled tantrums… I feel it. A presence of comfort all around me, wrapping itself around my stubborn, angry self and overwhelming me with the knowledge that It can be none other than the Holy Spirit, my Comforter, the very one Jesus promised that He would send. He does not try and explain Himself or His ways to me. He reminds me that He knows what He is doing and that He does not owe me any explanations. He whispers, “My grace is sufficient…” And somehow, it is.
So… does that make it “okay” that good people have to suffer with horrible diseases like cancer? No, it does not. Can I accept that there is purpose in everything that God allows? Most days, yes… other days, not so much. Do I still hate that cancer left me a widow and my children fatherless? Absolutely. Do I understand God’s reasons and plans? No, I don’t. Will I ever understand? Probably not until I get to heaven and see Jesus face-to-face. And then, it won’t matter anymore. Do I still get sideways and shake my fists at Him? Sometimes. Does God still love me, even when I presume to tell Him His business? Thankfully, yes. Am I blessed to feel the Holy Spirit’s comfort and God’s amazing love? Constantly.
Does cancer suck? Yeah, it does
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