"Wait and See"

After about three more weeks of constant tube feeding, numerous medications, and sleepless nights, I began to see tiny little glimpses of improvement. Ken’s fever was going down and the diarrhea seemed to be subsiding some. He was even saying he was hungry again, so that was encouraging.

Dr. Gefter was concerned with Ken’s weight loss, so he prescribed another kind of liquid nutrition. It was called ProSure and it was made specially for cancer patients. Now Ken was getting three cans of the Replete and two to three cans of the ProSure every day. “Bill” was pumping constantly, day and night.

Anytime Ken finished with any kind of treatment, the doctors would always do another round of scans and scopes to see how the cancer had reacted. The results this time were unchanged from what they had been prior to the radiation. The doctors said that was good news because the cancer had neither grown nor spread. Told us that now we would just have to “wait and see”. They scheduled Ken for an appointment in a month.

Ken was getting stronger each day. He was able to eat a little, here and there, so we were gradually able to go back to tube-feeding only at night. The “hollow-eyed” look was being replaced by that mischievous sparkle I had fallen in love with. I was so grateful that Ken was finally feeling better, but it was difficult for me to know how I was supposed to feel at that time. I wanted to be happy and relieved, but I felt like I was constantly holding my breath, waiting for the next horrible thing to happen.

I pretended to let Ken go back to “normal”, but I was constantly watching for any little sign that could mean disaster. I would hold these conversations with myself in my head. Happy, relieved Melinda would say, “Relax! The doctors said everything looks good!” Worried, scared Melinda would reply, “But you KNOW that the cancer is in Ken’s lymph system–it could go anywhere!” Happy relieved Melinda would come back with, “Don’t waste precious time worrying! Just accept this miracle and live each day as if Ken was never going to be sick again!” Worried, scared Melinda would whine, “I can’t let myself feel relieved. It would hurt too much if he got sick again!” On and on it would go...driving me crazy and wearing me out. See, that’s how CRAZY cancer is. Even if it’s good news, it can drive you nuts!