Lying by Omission

I guess that is what you would have to call it when I started sneaking doses of pain medication and/or anxiety medication into Ken’s feeding tube bag at night. It made me feel horribly guilty–I was not in the habit of lying to my husband. But Ken was in such pain and stayed so upset all the time, I felt I really had no choice. If only he hadn’t been so ornery about taking the meds he needed, it wouldn’t have to come to that point. I never told Ken before he died that I had been sneaking the meds into his system. I didn’t want to upset him. And sometimes, even to this day, it makes me feel sad and guilty when I think about it. But you know what? I know God has forgiven me for not being truthful, and I’m pretty sure Ken has too.

Ken is trying to tie things up so his properties will be taken care of after he’s gone. He’s got that “giving up” look. He barely speaks to anyone. Such despair. (Melinda’s Journal, August 23, 2004)

Life during this period was definitely surreal. The world was forging on around us. We were living as “normally” as we could...going places with the kids, dealing with school work, going to church...but it was like all of that stuff was swirling around us and we were stuck in the middle of a vortex, standing still. I have often wondered it that’s what it feels like in the eye of a hurricane.

Ken’s eyes look like someone has hit him hard. He just looks sicker and sicker. I’m so worried that things are moving faster than we think. I’m scared – SO scared. (Melinda’s Journal, August 26, 2004)