It’s funny what you remember, and don’t remember, during certain times in your life. The things I remember about Ken’s second hospital stay, after we moved to the oncology floor, are sporadic and strangely, some of the most vivid of the memories have nothing to do with Ken’s illness at all. For example. . . I remember going to buy a clock because the hospital room didn’t have one. I needed to pick up a few other things–and I needed to “get the heck outa Dodge” for a little while. Someone (though I can’t remember who) came and stayed with Ken so I could run a couple of errands. I guess I was gone about two or three hours. Ken would get upset if I was gone much longer than that.
Another “non-hospital” memory was a miraculous event. We had probably been in the hospital for the better part of a week when I heard on the news that Elizabeth Smart, the little girl who had been kidnapped from her home in Utah 9 months earlier, had been found ALIVE! I remember thanking God for restoring her to her family.
I remember a lot of other things during that ten-day hospital stay, but unfortunately, their order is all jumbled up. Anyway, here goes. . .
1. Ken slept more after I starting “helping” him get his pain meds. Every time I went close to his bed, I would push the button on the pain pump. And, whenever he had a visitor, I always told them to push the button too. He caught me at it once and got put out with me, but he needed to rest, and so did I.
2. We didn’t have nearly as many visitors during this hospitalization as we did during the first one. I guess people were busy or maybe didn’t want to disturb us.
3. I ate supper several times that week with my best friend, Jan. She was a nurse at Erlanger and did telephone triage on the pediatric floor. Whenever she was on duty, I would go upstairs and eat with her. She and her co-workers were so precious to let me hang out with them and talk, or cry, depending on how hard the day had been.
4. It took FOREVER to get the results back from the biopsies on Ken’s lymph nodes. I remember one night, after pestering the tar out of Dr. Valle’s office for a couple of days, he came by the hospital to see me after hours. I was either in the break room or up on Jan’s floor when he came. Instead of leaving me a message with the nurses, he WAITED on the oncology floor until I came back (we’re talking well after 9:00 p.m. by the time I got there). He said that the biopsy results were still not back, but he knew how concerned I was and wanted to talk to me in person. (Such a kind, compassionate man.) He also told me what I really already knew – that the surgery was not intended to “cure” Ken’s cancer. Rather, it was to buy him a little more time. I asked, “How much time?” He said, “Only God knows”.
5. Ken’s brother and his wife were visiting when Dr. Valle finally came by a day or so later with the biopsy results. He told us that no cancerous cells were found on any of Ken’s other organs, but that over half of the lymph nodes they biopsied were positive for cancer. Ken’s sister-in-law acted like it was the greatest news in the world, and I guess the part about it not being on Ken’s other organs was good news. But I remember being so puzzled at her reaction. She was a nurse – how could she think that positive lymph nodes were good news? If cancer was in the lymph system, it could go ANYWHERE!
I guess the worst memory while we were on the oncology floor is what my tortured mind would do whenever I tried to sleep. I don’t know if it was due to exhaustion from lack of sleep, or if God was helping me with hard decisions that would come later on down the road, but over and over and OVER, in my mind, I found myself planning Ken’s funeral. I knew what songs would be sung, that it would be at the church, not the mortuary, that Keith would preside, I even knew what kind of casket I would pick!!!!! I kept trying to get the thoughts out of my mind, but they would not leave me alone. And then I felt terrible for even having those thoughts in the first place. I was in such a dark, sad, lonely place. I’m glad God was there with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment