Confession and a Scared Little Boy

Confession may be good for the soul, but for me, it was simply heartbreaking. Toward the end of October, I was sitting in the bedroom while Ken was in the hospital bed. He had gotten to where he didn’t want me to leave the room he was in anymore. He was afraid he would need something and I wouldn’t hear him. ( I always heard him...was never more than a few steps away.) Anyway, I think I was reading or something because when he called my name, I didn’t look up, but just answered, “Hmmmm?” Ken said, “I need you to look at me.” I put down whatever I had been looking at and looked at him. His poor face was a mixture of fear, exhaustion and sorrow. “What is it, Baby?” I asked. He then began “confessing” to me things he felt he had done or said during our marriage that were unfair and unfaithful to me. The things he confessed were very minor transgressions and most were done or said in response to something I did or said that upset him. At this point in our lives, none of what he told me even mattered anymore, but he was almost frantic to get it out of his mouth. I told him that I forgave him and I apologized for my part in it. He nodded his head and drifted off to sleep.

Ken is preparing himself to leave us. Last night he “confessed” to me... (I’m not going to list the things he told me. The conversation was private, between me and my husband, and that is where it will remain.) It seemed very important to him to confess to me. I asked if he was asking me to forgive him and he said “yes”. I told him I forgive him. He’s trying to set things right before he goes. (Melinda’s Journal, October 22, 2004)

It was around this time that Benjamin began acting out. I think I mentioned earlier that Benjamin dealt with the stress of his Dad’s illness with perpetual motion. Well, the sicker Ken got, the more Benjamin amped up the motion. He started cutting his clothes with scissors and wiggled, ran and rolled all over the house, to the point of distraction. Unfortunately, Ken felt so bad that he started snapping and yelling at Benjamin. My heart broke into tiny little pieces when I saw that Benjamin was beginning to avoid his Dad and seemed scared to be in the same room with him. Yes, Ken was terribly sick, and yes, Benjamin was noisy, but he was just a little boy! A little boy having to deal with a grown-up problem in the only way he knew how.

Benjamin has cut holes in his shirts for the past two days. Not sure what’s going on with him. I told him if he did it because he’s upset about his Daddy to ask his teacher to let him go and talk to the school counselor. Don’t know if he will. He sees the private counselor Sunday. Maybe it will help. (Melinda’s Journal, October 22, 2004)

Ken stayed in the hospital bed all day today. Keeps telling me stuff that needs to be taken care of before he goes. He’s been very snappish – yelled at the boys a couple of times. He’s got Benjamin scared to come in the bedroom. I know he’s scared – but so are we – and him hollering at us doesn’t help a bit. This is so hard. I’m afraid it’s going to tear us apart before it’s over. (Melinda’s Journal, October 24, 2004)