Strangely, the hardest thing that happened that week was when the medical supply company came and took “Bill” and “Baby Bill” (Ken’s feeding pumps) away. None of the other medical equipment leaving the house bothered me a bit. But when they came for “Bill”, I sat down on my porch steps and SOBBED!!! “Bill” had been instrumental in keeping Ken alive for two years and even though it was a just a piece of equipment, it was like losing a piece of Ken. I guess the driver that day thought he had stumbled into the nut house by mistake.
My heart is broken. I’m so hurt I can’t function. Mama was here until this morning, she was such a big help. Now, though, it’s just me and the boys and I’m scared to go to sleep. I never intended to be that “W-word”. I can’t even bring myself to say it or write it down. (Melinda’s Journal, November 20, 2004)
Now I’m a single parent. Every time I come home with my boys, no one will be waiting for us inside, except the dog. Ken is the one who took away my loneliness and now he’s gone. How will I make it without him? Why do some couples get to spend their lifetimes together and we only got 15 short years? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!!! (Melinda’s Journal, November 20, 2004)
All I can think about is that my best friend and sweetheart is gone and my children are fatherless! What am I going to do now that Ken is gone?! I intended on us getting old and gray together. I remember how lonely I was before God brought Ken and me together. Now the feeling is back and I HATE IT! (Melinda’s Journal, November 21, 2004)
We’re celebrating Benjamin’s birthday tomorrow. I’m trying to be upbeat for him, but all I can think is that his Daddy isn’t here to celebrate with us. I keep remembering how Ken looked, holding Benjamin just after he was born. How is it right that this precious little boy only got to have nine years with his Daddy?! How can I be all my boys need all by myself?! They need their Daddy! I need my husband! (Melinda’s Journal, November 24, 2004)
I HATE being a “single parent”. Never aimed to be that. So lonely. I have the boys and that helps, but my sweetheart is gone and my heart feels empty. (Melinda’s Journal, November 26, 2004)
I guess I was experiencing all of the stages of grief at pretty much the same time (with heavy emphasis on anger and depression). Even now, I find myself slipping in and out of the various stages. And, since I knew ahead of time that Ken was going to die, I did a lot of my grieving before he actually died. I think the “experts” call that “anticipatory grief”. It is not as raw now, but I still don’t know if I could say that I have reached the point of complete acceptance. I just can’t fully accept that Ken had to die. I don’t ask God, “Why?”, because I know that there is no answer that would make me say, “Okay, God, that’s a good enough reason to make my husband suffer horribly and then have to leave the family that loves him so”. Don’t get me wrong... I have felt God’s presence with me every single step of this sad journey. I’ve never felt forsaken. His Holy Spirit has been my comfort, just like He promised. And I believe Him when He said he would be the “defender of the widows and orphans”. I trust Him to do just that. But, I am human. I miss Ken with an indescribable ache that just won’t go away. I hurt for my children that they have to finish growing up without their Dad’s guidance. I hate that Jesse and Benjamin won’t get to see the pride in Ken’s eyes at their achievements and as they grow into the men they are going to be. I accept the life I have now, because I have no other choice. I have to keep moving forward for my sons’ sakes and because it is what Ken expected me to do. But accepting that Ken had to go? I still struggle with that. I think, on some level, I probably always will.
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