What Is Left

When I started writing this account of Ken’s illness, I wasn’t sure how far I would go with it. Wasn’t sure when it would feel like “enough”. I considered continuing on with how life has unfolded following Ken’s death because so many things have been affected because of it. But I think I have told the story that I needed to tell. I wanted Jesse and Benjamin to have a record of those two years because they were so young when it was all happening and it was a very tumultuous time. I wanted them to know how hard we fought for their Dad to stay with us and how very badly Ken wanted to stay. Above all, I wanted to remind Jesse and Benjamin what a wonderful and loving man their father was and that he loved them with all of his might until his very last breath.

When Ken and I were dating, I told him that I would like to write a book one day. He always encouraged me to do that. I guess Ken’s story could be considered a “book”. I hope it is something that he would have been proud of.

And so I ask myself...”What is left?” In the beginning, what was left was a huge hole filled with pain, fear, anger, and loneliness. It was a very dark place to be and I didn’t like being there. But when I was finally able to look past that dark place, I realized that Ken left the best parts of himself in the two precious sons he gave to me while he was here.

In Jesse, I see Ken’s beautiful curls, his logical thinking, and his tender heart. He has grown into a strong and dependable man since his father died. I have leaned on him a lot, probably more than I should have. But Jesse has always been there to prop me up when life made me unsteady on my feet.



In Benjamin, I see Ken’s build, his crooked little smile, and his ability to make people laugh. He is tender with little children and lovably silly, sometimes to the point of distraction. I get frustrated with him at times, but his antics have cheered me on many dark days and I love him for that.



Together, I see two brothers who are very different in form and personality. They often disagree, but deep down, they depend on each other just the way their Dad and I wanted them to. And even though they are in a stage of life that they don’t always feel it and won’t say it, I know that they love each other. I believe that their bond is stronger for what they’ve had to go through together.



So, what’s left is not the life we planned, but it is the life we have. And together, with God’s help, we are living it the best way we know how. We will always miss Ken, but we will go on, because that is what he wanted us to do.

This is not where we planned to be...when we started this journey...but this is where we are...and our God is in control. (Steven Curtis Chapman - Our God Is In Control)