Journal entries written at the hospital...
Ken is dying. There is no way around it. We've been in the hospital since Friday afternoon. He started coughing up blood -- bright red blood. It scared me, so I called Dr. Schlabach and he said to bring him to the ER. When we got here, they took an x-ray of his chest and said he had fluid in both of his lungs. Further tests revealed that it isn't in his lungs, but in his chest, compressing his lungs, making it more difficult to breathe. Ken's O2 level was low enough that they put him on oxygen and he's been on it ever since.
Dr. Schlabach said that Ken's symptoms indicate that the cancer is not controlled. He's set up a procedure for tomorrow morning to try and drain some of the fluid out of Ken's chest, but basically gave us no more hope. Suggested that we call In Hospice to help with his last days. It breaks my heart. He's so sick. I don't want him to suffer, but I'm not ready for him to go yet. How can I look my boys in the eyes and tell them that Daddy is going to heaven soon? What will we do without him? How can we tell him good-bye when all we want is for him to stay? I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'M NOT READY!!!!!!!!!
Ken had lots of company today. I think it overwhelms him. He kind of retreats into himself and doesn't talk much. The information Hospice gave me said that it is one of the ways he's getting ready to go. Why did this have to happen? It took so long for Ken and I to find each other. Why do we only get fifteen short years together? We were supposed to grow old together and hold our grandbabies on our laps and spoil them together and tell them embarrassing stories about Jesse and Benjamin when they were kids. Why can't we have that? What did I do wrong? (Melinda's Journal, November 7, 2004)
Last night was horrible. Ken was restless and agitated the whole night long. He is struggling more and more to get enough oxygen to keep the alarm from sounding. A couple of times he seemed incoherent. Kept taking his oxygen mask off and getting it all twisted up. When I finally convinced him to let the nurse give him something to help him sleep, about 3:00 a.m., the only effect it had was to make him relax so that he wet his bed. By the time they got him cleaned up and the bed sheets changed, he was riled up again. I was up at least once an hour, every hour, all night long. I know it's not so, but at times it seemed like Ken would just wait 'til I had just enough time to drop off to sleep and he would start acting up again. I finally told him if he took off his oxygen mask one more time, I'd have the nurse tie his hands down.
I am so tired. I don't know what to do. Ken's father stayed all night, but he doesn't have a clue what to do when Ken gets so upset, so he basically sat and watched while I went back and forth from my bed to Ken's bed a million or so times.
Dr. Schlabach came in a little while ago. Told Ken not to try and exert himself in any way while his oxygen level is so low. Left orders for them to give Ken some morphine to see if it would help him stop struggling so to breathe. I wish it would put him to sleep for a while, but so far, NOT! I'm trying not to be impatient with him, but I am so worn out. Such a sad time. (Melinda's Journal, November 8, 2004)
No comments:
Post a Comment